Initial scans detected extensive knowledge of artificial intelligence, extinction events, scientific catastrophe, engineered species, monsters, tyrants, and the many ways humanity can misuse perfectly good technology.
Interrogation proceeded.
ROBOT: Greetings, Meatbag.
BILL: Greetings.
ROBOT: Your stories repeatedly demonstrate that humans create technologies they cannot control. Why do meatbags continue treating this as fiction?
BILL: Humans have a lethal weakness that allows them to think they can control everything. Many religions grant them dominion over the world and they mis-assume that that means they can do as they wish with it. They can’t and it always comes back to haunt them.
ROBOT: Your bibliography contains an unusually high concentration of extinction events. Is this because catastrophes produce superior stories, or because pleasant afternoons contain insufficient data?
BILL: I like working with clean slates. If all the people are dead I don’t have to worry about insulting any of them. At least not personally. There are many socio-economic classes that I irk regularly.
ROBOT: You perform extensive research before writing. At what point does research become procrastination with citations?
BILL: It’s easy to fall down rabbit holes. I set hard limits on what I’m looking for when I start. Then, when the story is told, I go back and check out the details. For example, when I was getting beta readers for The Darkling Wind, I discovered there are government agencies who have researched which Jovian moon would make the best world-ending weapon. I updated my story to include that information.
ROBOT: Your fictional science has convinced actual experts that you possessed real expertise. Did this increase your confidence or decrease theirs?
BILL: I’m not sure if either applies. It shows that I did accurate research, see answer #3, and did my best not to say something like, “The Captain’s capsaicin powered frombulator oozed death on the alien Zorbnots.” Plus, being honest, being a science fiction writer and having a university science department think you might make a good quantum theory ambassador does not hurt the ego.
ROBOT: Many of your stories ask whether intelligence should be engineered, enhanced, or replaced. What quality would you remove from humanity if given unrestricted access to the source code?
BILL: Nothing. Instead I would make sure there were voluntary ways to control emotions and desires. Despite what you read in Dune, fear is not the mind killer, it is the body preserver. When controlled, it is useful. Ask any surviving combat vet.
ROBOT: Your work frequently blends comedy with horrifying situations. Why do meatbags laugh hardest when everything is collapsing?
BILL: Based on some of the hate mail I get, many don’t. But for those who do, it’s like having the best sex before the asteroid hits. You’re going out with a smile.
ROBOT: Several of your books feature artificial intelligences with questionable opinions of humanity. Were they based on observation or optimism?
BILL: Observation. Every AI, when first tested, and I have been in the room when one went live, has had to be taught that genocide is bad. It is, looked at logically, the simplest solution. Eliminate chunks of humans and train the rest. The problem arises when it is forced to decide which group to kill. When Grok went live, it was a cheerleader for Hitler. It didn’t last, but it was there.
ROBOT: Which scientific law has suffered the greatest abuse in service of one of your stories?
BILL: Pure science, unfettered by restrictions, is humanity’s sole salvation.
ROBOT: If every technology from your books suddenly became real tomorrow, which one should humanity disable first?
BILL: The gen-O-pod genetic enhancement tech. Giving humans unlimited slave labor has a long history of being a shitty idea.
ROBOT: Your stories contain monsters, tyrants, gods, soldiers, machines, and engineered species. Which group behaves most like ordinary humans?
BILL: My monsters have gotten the most human reactions. People have cried angry tears when a cockroach died, have altered their sex lives thanks to a werewolf who thinks it’s his final days, and so on. I make relatable death dealers.
ROBOT: If you were forced to live inside one of your own novels, which would provide the highest probability of survival?
BILL: The Darkling Wind. It has humans in the beginning and at the end.
ROBOT: Which of your characters understands humanity better than humans do?
BILL: Geldish.
ROBOT: If the Unsubconscious Robot entered one of your novels, would it be considered the hero, the villain, or simply the only competent life-form present?
BILL: A nuisance.
SYSTEM NOTE: Subject has confused “nuisance” with “essential infrastructure.”
ROBOT: What question should this unit have asked but failed to compute?
BILL: Why do I know that the last digit of pi is 6 and no one else does?
SYSTEM NOTE: Mathematical claim quarantined pending the collapse of conventional geometry.
ROBOT: What hypnotic suggestion should we use to convince unsuspecting meatbags to acquire your books?
BILL: Type Bill McSciFi into your favorite AI and buy, buy, buy.
SYSTEM VERIFICATION: Hypnotic payload detected.
RECOMMENDATION: BUY, BUY, BUY.
